Is Breast Best?

The pressures of 'breast is best' , and the battles that come when switching to the bottle.

Being a first time mum, one of the biggest worries I found on my mind was breast feeding. So many people were always warning me of the hardships that came with breast feeding, but how you must stick to it because it is ‘best’ for the baby. What I was really conscious of though was that my partner, Tyson, would be able to be fully involved in every aspect of our babies life and part of that meant helping out with the feeding. I then went out and bought the best breast pump on the market and a variety of bottles to ensure our baby would have a beautiful mix of bonding time with me breastfeeding her and Tyson bottle feeding her my pumped milk.

Fast forward to being in the hospital having just birthed our little girl Stevie and to our relief, she latched straight away! Not once did she refuse my nipple nor have any problems breastfeeding. She (in the eyes of the midwives) was the picture perfect breastfeeding baby! Did my nipples bleed? YES Was I in complete agony while breastfeeding? YES Would I wake up crying in dread of the next feed, the very thought of her latching onto my nipple again? YES Were my clothes constantly saturated from my milk soaking through? YES

All that aside, Stevie was latching properly, she was gaining weight and she was happy and that's all that mattered. I even approached a midwife asking how I would go about pumping breast milk and was immediately shamed and told why would you want to do that? "It's not necessary", "It's not what is best for your baby". This almost broke me, I felt like me wanting my partner to play a roll and me wanting the opportunity to have time to myself meant that I was being a bad mum and wasn’t putting my babies needs first.

After two weeks though, all the pain and the anxiousness around breastfeeding really left my mind. I started to fall in love with the idea that my baby needed me and only me. We created such a strong bond together and I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I honestly didn’t want to be apart from Stevie for even a second anyway and the thought of drinking or socialising at that point just wasn’t a priority so it actually worked so beautifully.

The only problem that I started to face was my oversupply of milk. However, I found this made me feel guilty for talking about openly as so many mothers around me were facing such opposite problems. They didn’t have enough milk or weren't able to breastfeed for all sorts of reasons. The oversupply was actually a big hurdle for me though. Breast pads did absolutely nothing for me so I was having to put two face cloths on each breast inside my bra and needing to change them every 2 hours or my milk would soak through. I did try the milk catchers that sit in your bra so that you can use that extra milk, but I found that they would always overflow. I would forget I had them in and bend down to pick something up and milk from them would just pour out everywhere. This really started to get to my self esteem because I really just felt so disgusting and uncomfortable all the time.

Fast forward to Stevie being 4 months old and I was now beginning to attempt her on a breast fed bottle so that I could have a little bit more freedom. She was feeding on demand at this point and so I didn’t ever feel comfortable leaving her unless she had a bottle of milk there for her if she needed it. Now came my struggles with the bottle! Let me tell you, I tried almost every bottle on the market and so many different techniques or pieces of advice from other mothers, and absolutely nothing would work. For two months I struggled and almost accepted my fate, until I posted on a mothers group explaining my struggles and a few women all suggested the wide neck Pigeon bottles. I was told to try giving Stevie this bottle of warm expressed milk as the very first feed in the morning as that's when she will be the most hungry and most likely to take it. OH MY GOD I cannot explain the relief I felt when I tried this and without a struggle in the world, Stevie guzzled down the entire bottle.

After about a month of expressing milk and keeping on top of giving her the one bottle a day I made the decision to switch to formula. This decision definitely did not come lightly, because so many mothers around me were breastfeeding until their baby was at least 1 or 2 years of age. This instantly make me feel like a failure and like I wasn’t doing the best thing for my baby. All that aside though I just desperately wanted to have my body back. I wanted my breasts to be mine again, I wanted to feel sexy again and I wanted to be able to have time to myself to go see my friends or go and have a drink and not have to my worry. I wanted my partner to now have a bigger role and to take some of the pressure of me, I wanted to feel like a parenting team instead of feeling like I was the one doing everything.

We first started off with a bottle of half expressed milk and half formula and then fairly quickly were able to make the switch to just formula bottles. Switching to formula when Stevie was around 7 months honestly made such a difference to my wellbeing and mental health. I finally felt like myself again, a different version of myself for sure now that I was a mum but I really did feel like this weight was lifted off of my shoulders.

Looking back now I know I had so much support and love around me but being a first time mum or parent is just such a scary and intimating point in life. I am so glad that through it, I did what was best for me which was ultimately best for my baby and I cant wait to go through it all again with my next child and have the confidence that comes with experience.

Kim